Living in a Fantasy World? You’re Not Alone

Back in April of last year, I published a post on a special and – until I announced it on my blog – private experience. The post was called Living in a Fantasy World, and it was my way of finally revealing this place to where I go when I need to escape from this world of reality. I tried my best to explain what such an experience feels like and how it looks when my mind is lost in this world of imagination. It’s a unique place in which to be, that’s for certain, and it’s something that I wish I could bring you all into for at least a day. Then again, it’s also quite personal and a place of refuge and meditation, so it’s probably best it stays that way. However, I’m so glad that I decided to share it on my blog, because it has been a place for others to feel comfort. I have received many comments on my post since April, but especially in more recent months, which has inspired me to want to write this follow-up.

Refuge and Meditation

Refuge and meditation… those are two words that I hadn’t really associated with my fantasy world until I finally told my therapist about it, and posted here on my blog. When I first revealed my fantasy world to my therapist a couple of years ago, I was so worried that she would think of me as being completely crazy and in dire need of more help than previously realized. I mean think about it. When I enter this world, I become lost inside of it. I’m not just this world in my mind as I lay down on my bed. No, I am ‘lost’ inside of it in every sense of the word. I am mentally, emotionally and physically there. I see it, feel it, touch it, and even more dramatically… live it. It is my world for that time being. It becomes my reality and it is the most magnificent place to be, because I become free of all pain, stress, and feelings of being the hopeless and pitiful loser that I so often feel like in the real world. Therefore, when the time came that I revealed this private world to my therapist, I expected the worst reaction. Although, she had proved herself trustworthy to me, which is why I finally felt I could tell her. So, I guess there was a part of me that hoped that she’d respond in a different way. Well, she didn’t let me down.

The telling of my world to my therapist was a wonderful experience. It started off nerve-wracking as heck, as I recall not even being able to look at her when I talked about it. I also read to her a description about it that I thought would help to better express this world to her. That helps with the no eye contact thing too. And, her response was so supportive that it made me feel like such a better person than I had before that day. Prior to that day, I felt as if there was something seriously wrong with me. Ok, yeah, I have bipolar, so it’s not like I can say that I’m all ok in the head. My family and friends can tell you just how bad I can be at times. But, this isn’t anything about mental illness. My worries weren’t of having a mental illness (as this was prior to my diagnosis anyway), but rather, that I was somehow becoming distanced from reality and heading to a bad place of losing touch with it all together. I worried that I was somehow stuck in some unending childhood. I felt almost as if I was stunted somehow and that I was unable to leave this world of make-believe that I should have left by the time I hit my teenage years. I felt that it was time to grow up, and yet I was struggling to do so.

Well, my therapist – over the course of quite some time of discussing it in the sessions to follow – helped me to realize quite the opposite. She told me that there wasn’t anything wrong with having a fantasy world. She thought it was such a great and beautiful thing to have in my life and I should embrace it. Wow! Embrace it? Really? I never expected that to come out of her mouth, that’s for sure. Yet, it did. She had also began to help me understand just how important this world had become for me. I wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar until late 2009, and up until that point I was lost for years in a downward spiral into what can only be described as my own personal hell on earth. It’s quite an upside-down-topsy-turvy-complete-loss-of-control feeling when the world continues to move along normally around you, while you are slowly disintegrating into nothingness.

So, what does this have to do with my fantasy world? Well, my therapist helped me to finally see that my world of imagination was in actuality a refuge for me. It had become the place that would save my life. I can’t say that I would have ended my life without it. I know I wanted to many times, but I can’t say that I really would have done so, because obviously I didn’t. But, I also wonder now, thanks to my therapist, if maybe my fantasy world saved me too. When I was too depressed, then my mind was too exhausted and numb to be able to imagine my place of happiness. Happiness was gone. Before I even reached those points, though, I would sometimes head into that world and it would help me during those times. I would feel good for that period of time. As I wrote in my initial post back in April, coming out of that world was a different story. If I was interrupted somehow, then it was jarring and I was left angry and not the most pleasant person to be around. That’s still the case. If I naturally come out of it, though, I do not feel like that. Unfortunately, though, the depression will return and often sometimes worse knowing that my world of success is only in my head.

However, through it all back then, that world still provided me with a refuge during times that could have otherwise been spent obsessing on the negative that surrounded me. It did indeed save my life during those times when I had no therapist, no psychiatrist, no meds, and no diagnosis as for what on earth was happening to me. It gave me a place to go where my life was not upside down. That is where what my therapist described makes so much sense. And, I thank her for helping me to view my world as more than just some childish, losing-control-of-my-reality type of experience. And, then there is the blogging community. After my posting, I had several responses from people who read my post and not only appreciated me sharing, but helped me to feel like it was a place of meditation and importance that was creative. They, along with my therapist, helped me to see just how much creativity it takes to go into such a world in my mind, and that it was something that I should embrace and of which I should be proud as well.

I now realize, loud and clear, that being able to escape into my fantasy world is a gift that God has given me. He knew I would need some way to survive through some of the most tormented times of my life. And, having that place allows me to escape from a world that does not understand me. No matter how much my loved ones may try (for which I appreciate and love them dearly, and hope they never leave me), they just can’t understand what I feel inside. What those thoughts are that drill into my skull and cause pain that makes me want to use a sledgehammer to shatter my dysfunctional brain. The pain it feels to be high on top of the world. To feel happy, carefree, and enjoying life like I have the right. But then, suddenly crash to the bottom and wind up curled up on the couch in tears and exhaustion, and many times not even know what triggers it. It’s not fair, but mental illness isn’t fair. It sucks beyond all meaning of the word ‘suck’.

Why I Wrote This Post

As I stated in the beginning of this post, I wanted to write a follow up to my previous post back in April on this subject. The reason for this is due to all of the recent feedback I’ve had on it. I feel that lately, people have been suddenly hitting on the post again and a few have commented recently, and that tells me that people are searching for the topic. These people want answers to what I also so long wanted answers. I couldn’t find many responses or articles on this topic back when I used to search for it, and so it makes me feel good that my post can help others to not feel so alone. I felt alone when I couldn’t find any, and that just made me feel – even more so – that I was losing touch with reality.

One person, in a recent comment, talked about his/her own experience with their fantasy world, and then followed that up with, “Am I crazy?” I assured them that they are not, and thankfully, due to the loving support and advice that I have received from many of you and my therapist, I was able to say that with confidence.

I find it quite telling that such a post has been hit on so much recently. I think more people out there have these worlds, and want an answer to that same question… “Am I crazy?” I know I always wanted that same answer. I want each and every one of those people out there who are searching for answers on this subject to realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a fantasy world. Take it from someone who has one and has been in that boat of worrying about my sanity due to it… there isn’t anything wrong with it. I love that I can finally say that. It’s OK. It’s our normal. It may not be the normal for most people in this world, but it is for many more than who come forward. And, that’s ok. No one has to reveal this place of private pleasure to anyone. It’s your world and no one else’s. If you choose to share about it, then great! If not, then great too! It’s great, because that is your choice, and you need to do what is best for yourself.

It’s important for me to emphasize that just because you may have a fantasy world, that doesn’t mean you have a mental illness. Such worlds can be a place for all people, no matter what is the source of his or her stress, pain, and need for a refuge. My therapist told me that. So, please don’t think that just because you have a special fantasy world that you go to, that it means you are suffering from bipolar like myself, or any other mental illness. It can just mean that you have a wonderful imagination of which you should be proud. And, hey, if you do happen to have a mental illness too… well, that’s OK too. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Mental illness or not, you are not alone.

Tap Into Your Imagination’s Energy

One of my favorite artists, Greg Olsen, and his perfect illustration of imagination.

One of my favorite artists and writers, Greg Olsen, and his perfect illustration of imagination.

Fantasy worlds can be a place for great material for books too. Think about it… our imaginations are taking us to places of happiness and enjoyment. Or, maybe for some, it takes them to places of darkness and scary scenarios, but if that’s what provides them with some sort of response that they desire, then that’s a place which is welcomed. It can be a place where one gathers up all of his or her creative thoughts and turns it into material for art, writing, music, or even interpretive dance. Basically, wherever your heart and mind can take you. So many places can be reached in reality with the content that comes out of our imaginative minds during these periods of fantasy. When you come out of those places, write it down. Have a notebook or journal nearby, and just jot down different parts if you can. And, who knows, someday you may come up with your own way of expressing it all to the world to share with others. Suddenly, the world can go into your world and experience the same joy, fear, or wherever you want to take them.

My therapist told me that another way to view it all, along with my dark thoughts that stem from my obsessive-compulsive disorder, is that Mary Shelly, Stephen King, Edgar Allen Poe, and many others, all had to get their ideas from somewhere. Sure, the culture around them can inspire them, but without their own dark thoughts and imaginations of their own, they wouldn’t have been able to sculpt those inspirations into the works of Frankenstein, The Shining, and The Tell-Tale Heart. Those works have entertained generations, and in some cases for over one hundred years. That says a lot. I can now understand what my therapist meant by, ‘embrace it’.

Those of use who can relate to having a fantasy world have so much in common. We have a shared experience that not all can say they have. So, be proud of your fantasy worlds, no matter what they may be. Take them for what they are and enjoy every minute of your experiences, because it truly is a special place to have the ability to visit. And, even better than that… you own it! It’s your world! Your mind created it, no one else! You took inspirations from around you and created a world of your own. How freakin’ awesomely amazing is that!?!? EMBRACE IT!

In closing, I would just like to add that to those who do not go to these places of wonder and enjoyment, please do not look down upon those of us who do. For we may just be the people that provide the entertainment that you may one day add to your list of all-time favorites.

 

A song about loving imagination, by one of my favorite musicians, Adam Young (Owl City). Please give it a listen… it’s a beautiful song.

 

 

5 thoughts on “Living in a Fantasy World? You’re Not Alone

  1. hey i love your article and yes your right our fantasy worlds are a refuge, a place to rest
    and you have control over it thats the most important.
    🙂
    \

    • Thank you, glenn. 🙂 I’m so late at getting to replies and approvals lately. Been an up and down set of months, and motivation to write has been low. So, I’m barely getting to checking my email and blog today. I thank you so much for your comment. I love that you can understand how they are a refuge for us. That makes me feel so good and better understood! Thank you so much for reading too. I always appreciate those who take time out of their lives for my blog. It means a great deal. 🙂

  2. Dear Summer Moon, I randomly came across your blog while searching for a song on Google. It took me by complete surprise! When I saw the title I was amazed – fantasy world – well the reason I was taken aback is because I have a similar thing. Whenever I go to bed, I imagine myself somewhere else and it all becomes so real. I imagine speaking to people I used to know about things that I’ve never spoken to them about and would probably not do. But I have never gone to the GP and said all this because I have not been ‘diagnosed’ with anything. Can you tell me, because I’m interested, how and what exactly led to you being diagnosed with bipolar. And what was the process of you first describing your symptoms – did you get yourself checked independently or with someone? Thank you. This will help me immensely.

  3. Dear Summer Moon, I randomly came across your blog while searching for a song on Google. It took me by complete surprise! When I saw the title I was amazed – fantasy world – well the reason I was taken aback is because I have a similar thing. Whenever I go to bed, I imagine myself somewhere else and it all becomes so real. I imagine speaking to people I used to know about things that I’ve never spoken to them about and would probably not do. But I have never gone to the GP and said all this because I have not been ‘diagnosed’ with anything. Can you tell me, because I’m interested, how and what exactly led to you being diagnosed with bipolar. And what was the process of you first describing your symptoms – did you get yourself checked independently or with someone? Thank you. This will help me immensely.

    • Hi there, Arunallen93!

      I’m so sorry for such a long delay in response. I’ve been struggling lately, so blogging has been very difficult for me. I hope you still can get this response.

      First of all, I appreciate you both reading and commenting here. The fact that it is something you can relate to is wonderful! Our fantasy worlds are amazing! I used to think that something was wrong with me for having one, and now I’m proud of it. I don’t feel ashamed of it anymore. A lot of that came from sharing it here on my blog. It allowed me to free myself, and then even better, learn that others have similar experiences. My fantasy world centers around performance, as I’ve written on this post. But, I can completely relate to the talking to people… especially at night! I find that so awesome that you find yourself doing that too. I have conversations, almost as if they were practice for the future. But, as you say, I would probably never really say those things to those people. I think it’s so awesome that you allow your mind to go there. You don’t hold it back. Instead you let it go and take you where it wants to go. That is such a great thing. Too many people try to suppress such experiences. I’m so happy you don’t. I’m glad you allow yourself to express what you want to say, even if no one is really there. You’re still saying it and it’s so freeing!

      You ask about what lead to my diagnosis. Well, long story short… I started experiencing symptoms in my late teens/early twenties. It first felt like depression, although I didn’t think I had anything to be depressed about so I pushed that idea aside. But, as time went on, I realized that I was experiencing a high vs. low kind of life. I still remember one day standing in front of my mirror. I was getting ready to go out with some friends for the night. I felt so good that day and was basically in a hypomanic state. I wasn’t sleeping much and was acting a bit wild for my personality. Then, at one point while looking at myself in the mirror I remember saying outloud, “Maybe I’ll actually stay happy this time.” I was hoping this was it. It started to hit me around that point in my life (probably 23-24ish years old) that every time I would get “happy”, I would eventually crash into a very awful state. I was crashing into depression, but at the time, I still didn’t believe I had it. Deep down I knew, but I just couldn’t accept it in my mind because I felt that I didn’t have any reason to be depressed. Of course now I know that depression does not care what your life is like. It only cares about wrecking it, during both good times and bad. By the time I was diagnosed in 2009, I had hit my lowest point in my entire life. I had gone from a hypomanic state the summer of 2008 and from there I crashed slowly lower and lower. Until by the summer of 2009, I wanted to end it all. I never tried to, but I imagined how I could do it. I had tried doctors over the years who never listened. And so I felt like this was it. For the rest of my life, I will be in pain. I couldn’t take it. But, my loving mom and cousin convinced me to go to yet another doctor. And, that was when my life was about to take a turn for the better, although I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel until 2010. It took a while for my meds to adjust and for therapy to reach a point of true comfort.

      After my diagnosis, it took me a while to tell my therapist about my fantasy world. Well, I totally expected her to say it had to do with the illness. But instead of saying that, she shocked me. She said, that it was a beautiful thing that I allowed my mind to go free like that. And she said, that she can tell that my fantasy world helped to save my life. It helped me to survive through childhood, teenage years, and into my adult years. It gave me an escape where the world was good and calm and full of promise. I used to be ashamed of my world… now I’m proud of it.

      Thank you again, Arunallen93! Take care of yourself!
      Summer

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s