Feeling Left Out

So, here I am, about a week (little less) before I can finally get my new prescription for the upped dosage of meds that I need. I really need them now, and the weird thing is that I actually want them. I hate taking my meds, but right now I can feel it inside. I feel the anger, hurt, and loneliness. I had some caffeine today in hopes that it would help me feel a little better. It did, which is why I’m probably actually writing right now and not collapsed on the couch. But, obviously that’s only a temporary fix. I was sitting here and feeling so alone and angry, about things that I don’t even understand.

Lately, every little slight, or perceived slight, has sent me hurdling downward. I begin to shutdown and suddenly want to tell everyone, “Go screw yourselves! Goodbye!” I want to turn my phone and computer off, and just curl up in a ball and just wither away. I hate who I am… from feeling left out, to feeling like I’m worthless, to feeling like I’m nothing more than an irritating flea in the lives of those I know.

I’ve been playing an online game I’ve played for years. But, something’s been happening to me in that environment lately… it’s making me feel even more left out at times. And, I don’t even understand why sometimes. It’s been the source of many therapy sessions for a few months now and I still can’t get past what I feel. However, there are times when I know exactly what is causing me to feel as I do. For example, I was on a talk chat channel the other night. It was myself and two other people. Well, one of those people has a little girl and put her up to the microphone. Well, it was obvious she told her daughter to say hello to one of the people in the channel… guess who that was… not me. I suddenly felt as if I was non-existent. The three of us adults were all talking and then, it was like I was suddenly not there and worth one of those adult’s time. It was obvious to me that she didn’t want her daughter to talk with me, and only wanted her to talk to the other person. That doesn’t surprise me due to the relationship of those two, but it still hurt. How do you tell your kid to say hi to one person, but completely ignore the other? Would you do that face-to-face? I’m curious how that person would have felt if the roles had been reversed. I’m getting tired of feeling like I’m not even there… like I’m the third wheel on a bicycle built only for two.

That’s a really horrible feeling and only takes me back to my childhood when I was completely ignored by kids. Literally pushed away for being unwelcome. Heck, it takes me back to even more recent years when my own family has ignored me. I’m annoying. I’m a burden. I’m nothing but this person people happen to know. These are the thoughts that have been going through my mind ‘cause I know that would make me want to ignore someone too if they had such qualities. I can be fine. I can be laughing with family and friends, and having a great time. However, all of a sudden, something triggers me. The switch is flipped for my shutdown. I become angry with these people and feel like I’m nothing to them. I cry and lose control over what I feel. And, sometimes, I can come back out of it right away, and others I need to leave the setting. This last week, I’ve cried more while lying down at night, than anything else. I haven’t slept properly at all, but it doesn’t matter. Between family problems, which are wearing me down, to the disappointment I have for my life, to the realization that another year has passed where my life is a total failure, I’m feeling like this is never going to end.

Since the night of that chat channel incident, I have gotten past it, as I’ve found myself having to do a lot lately. No hard feelings, but it still hurts when I think about it. But I have to just get past it ‘cause that’s life, and life is just crap. Life sucks. Anything I, you, or anyone can do about it? Nope. That’s just how it is until the day we die. That’s why I have my façade. The lying, make-others-feel-better façade that hides the pain I feel inside.

I think Linkin Park say it best in one of my favorite songs of theirs.

I know what it takes to move on. I know how it feels to lie. All I want to do is trade this life for something new, holding on to what I haven’t got.

I know I’m not the only one who can relate to this.

 

8 thoughts on “Feeling Left Out

  1. Hi Summer Moon,

    I wonder if perhaps you are feeling so left out because you don’t value yourself enough. If you look at the beautiful, wonderful things about yourself (yes- you can do it, even with depression), really appreciate yourself for who you are, then it won’t matter one tiny ounce if someone ignores you, because you’ll just think “they’re really missing out on a great friend”. You’ll attract lovely, genuine people to you as well, who really appreciate you for who you are. Allow yourself to think beautiful thoughts about yourself because the universe loves you so much and wants you to see your inherent beauty and loveliness more than anything! You are not alone. Pray for an angel and one will be there with you in an instant! You are entirely worthy of love. Xxx

      • If you can’t accept wonderful or lovely you yet, then maybe try and just accept that you’re OK. “I’m an OK person”. That’s what I started with, because my mind completely rejected the idea of being wonderful and laughed in my face. But I seemed able to accept OK. It’s a good starting place xxx

  2. I am so right there with you right now, Summer Moon. I try not to take those little comments too seriously, but sometimes I just can’t help it, and it festers and makes me more upset than it has any right to. Anger, hurt, loneliness, isolation – yep. We have a tough road ahead to escape this way of thinking.

    BTW, you might find some value in Brene Brown’s books on vulnerability and shame. The one I’m working on right now is, “I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the journey from ‘What will people think?’ to ‘I am enough’.”

    • You’re so right, it’s such a tough road. After years of thinking one way, it’s going to be hard to reverse it. It’s not a good feeling to have every little thing take a swing at me and land the punch. Thank you for the book recommendation. I will definitely look into that. I could use a good book to read and help me through this, and that one sounds like a good one to try.

      Thanks, DeeDee. I appreciate it. Hugs!

  3. Hang in there, Summer. You are such a valuable person. Sometimes I think BP people are just much more sensitive and attuned to feelings than others. I hope you feel much better soon. Rainey

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