Well, today the crap hit the fan. Those forms that were originally supposed to be brought three days ago were finally brought today. I was not expecting their arrival at that moment, and especially not expecting the fact that I was to fill them out right then and there.
I’ve been slipping lower and lower since last week, and this is just pushing me further down. I pulled out the pen and started filling out what I could, and I was feeling myself lose it. I did not know the information that I was supposed to be writing. It was all personal details about this person, and I didn’t know most of it. Then, I screwed up and put information in the wrong field, which was designated for a completely different set of material. That’s when I started crying and just getting angry with myself. He was outside at the time, waiting for me to finish, and so I went to my mom who was in the kitchen at the time. I was freaking out ‘cause I messed up the information and wasn’t sure if I could white out a form like that. She said it was ok to do so, though, and helped me to cover it up. But, it was too late. I screwed up and that’s all I that could focus on.
In addition, my mom now knew the reason for this form, as I had told her, as ordered by my family member. As the stress built up inside of her, she began to feel like she was going to vomit. My mom hasn’t been feeling well lately due to medical issues, and all of this is the last thing that she needs. So, this just adds to my worries about her. My stomach has been hurting all day long, and I knew that when my dad got home from work that things were only going to get worse.
So, back to the form… I was only able to fill out a fourth of it, as the rest were questions that I had no idea how to answer. As I walked into the kitchen to leave the form on the table until my family member came back inside, I realized that there was a huge fly in the house. Stupid things, I don’t know why they have to come inside.
Now, I’m trying to fight with this bug that is too dumb to realize that he’s headed for death if he doesn’t leave. I was trying to get it outside safely and it just didn’t leave. So, finally I had enough. I cornered the fly in one of our bathrooms where it had travelled. I started spraying it like crazy to get it to just die already. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was taking my anger and frustration on that poor little fly who was probably so frightened. I finally killed the thing, and that’s when the guilt set in. I mean I just killed a living thing. It’s not as if I’ve never killed a bug before, but if I’ve been able to, I have always tried to get them out of the house safely first. But this thing just wouldn’t follow my clues. So, I had no other choice but to kill it. Flies are dirty (we all know on what they like to feast), and I couldn’t have the flying pack of germs landing all over everything.
As I was cleaning up the mess that I had made with the spray, I heard my family member come back inside to get the form. I was busy, though, and didn’t want anyone to slip on the floor that had gotten wet from the spray. I could hear my mom talking to him, so I figured he would wait for me. I knew he wasn’t going to like the fact that I didn’t finish the form for him. I felt bad about it too. I had hoped that I could at least do this for him successfully, but I should have known that nothing ever goes the way I hope. I was barely able to do anything with the form, and he was outside working on something while I filled it out, so he wasn’t there to answer questions. I thought for sure he would wait for that reason, but he did not. I could hear him walk outside of the house and my mom yelling at him out the door, “She’s in the bathroom cleaning!” Then, after a brief moment coming back inside of the house, he slammed the door, stormed off and left.
So, not only did he not thank me for the little bit I was able to do for him (I don’t blame him for that I guess, since I was pretty useless), but also he was angry because I didn’t finish the form. My mom kept trying to tell me that it was something else that caused him to be upset, but I’m not stupid. I heard her tone as she yelled at him that I was cleaning. It wasn’t a yelling of anger on her part, but rather trying to clarify a fact. And, then, I heard that door slam in a force, of what can only be interpreted as anger.
Shortly after, my dad arrived home from work. He was exhausted and was trying to hurry because he had a haircut appointment. And, when he learnt of the form and its purpose, he blew up. He was furious and started yelling. Basically, he was exactly as I had expected. I don’t blame him one bit, though. This isn’t just bad news, but this is something that is going to affect my parents in a negative way. I can’t go into details, but it’s just not going to be an easy thing for any of us to deal with, both emotionally and otherwise.
Upset, my dad slammed the door and left to his appointment. My mom and I just looked at each other. As usual, we were the two left with the aftermath.
The end result… My family member is angry with me. My mom told me outright that she can’t take this. She said she feels she will get sick, if she is thrown into the middle of this. All that does is put me into a worse state than I am already. My dad is furious and badly stressed out from both this and other issues. I’m worrying so much about the health of both of my parents right now. They don’t need this stress.
I am continuing to drop lower with each of these events, and I’m starting to lay down a lot. I’m struggling getting to sleep at night, only to finally fall asleep early in the morning (4-5am-ish) and sleeping into the afternoon. Yet, even after that sleep, I feel myself just laying on the couch more and more as things get to me. It’s like why even bother getting up. That alone is one of my first signs of heading into a depression. I see my therapist tomorrow, and I’m looking forward to talking through all of this with her, but it’s a lot for a session that lasts less than an hour. But, I’m trying. I’m trying hard not to let myself lose control, and working to keep myself functioning. It’s getting harder, though. I’m just so tired.
So, to sum it all up… Today the crap hit the fan and it’s now all over the house, my parents and me.